How to have sex, really

LET’S pretend I want to find out how to have sex.

So I consult the big encyclopaedia in the sky because clearly if you can find 14,000 recipes for chicken biryani and how to fix an iPhone when it fails to ring (turn the sound button on) then surely you can learn how to have sex.
Yet typing “how to have sex” into Google produces woeful results.
First up is an information sheet from ReachOut.
“Make sure you use condoms or dams to protect yourself.” Dams? What like rocks in a river so the water can’t pass through? Imagine you’re a 16-year-old reading this stuff.
The next page “How to have vaginal sex” is from an organisation called Avert. Org which sounds like something Jane Austen would recommend. “When a man and a woman have sexual intercourse — where a man’s penis enters the woman’s vagina — it is called vaginal sex.”
Goodness, how illuminating.
Fortunately the third offering — a YouTube video called How To Have Sex — shows a Barbie doll being humped in all manner of positions by Ken whose climax is portrayed by the cracking of a raw egg, presumably because egg white resembles semen? Or because the egg signifies conception?